Lottery a Dangerous Source of Terrorist Funding

This statement is addressed to every human being on this planet.

I, Thomas H. Dark, of the United States of America, hereby depose and declare the following statement to the entire world in decent respect to the opinions of mankind.

I also with this declaration hereby serve notice to the current occupants of the Jutland Peninsula, and all human societies, clubs, companies, affairs, etc., engaged within the geological confines of the Jutland Peninsula.

You are to clear out of the Jutland Peninsula immediately, except for servile, unblemished young women from among whom I will select for procreative value when I arrive at the Jutland Peninsula. I want the Jutland Peninsula. The Jutland Peninsula belongs to me now. It is mine. The Jutland Peninsula has been promised to me. I had a dream. I wrote it down.

In that dream, my great great great great great great great great grandfather, a hut-dwelling mud salesman named Hvovkin, the Only Living Son of Thor, who once ministered to his people in a swamp on the Jutland Peninsula, appeared to me. He approached me with eyes blazing and hair afire. When he spoke, his tongue appeared as a silvery sword, brighter than the sun. He commanded me to write down all he said. Therefore I must now re-occupy the Jutland Peninsula, as it is my ancestral and spiritual home.

I recommend that this Declaration immediately be taken seriously. The Jutland Peninsula is mine by racial, biological and divine right. In addition I have done political favors to earn support for my cause: I once refrained from voting for Al Gore. Everyone knows this helped turned the tide of the Presidential election in 2000 A.D. (3161 A.H. [Anno Hvovkin]). I can now expect Republican support at the U.N. for my plan of re-occupying the Jutland Peninsula for myself and my chosen harem of buxom repopulators.

Short of peaceful political solutions, I am prepared to take the Jutland Peninsula by force and by terrorism, as necessary.

I fully intend to be the sole winner of a very large weekly lottery. I will invest a portion of those vast winnings in Weapons of Mass Destruction, which I will aim at the Jutland Peninsula.

I will also invest in a very large bulldozer. I will use that bulldozer to bulldoze the homes of residents of the Jutland Peninsula who refuse to capitulate to this Declaration of Reclamation of the Jutland Peninsula.

If the Jutland Peninsula is not immediately evacuated and vacated, you will bring misery upon yourselves. I will personally bully each unwanted person remaining on the Jutland Peninsula. I will treat them as third-class citizens. I will deny them the right to vote. I will provoke them into fights they can not possibly win. If anyone remaining on the Jutland Peninsula but cute babes should resist, their children will be blown to pieces. The elderly will be blown to pieces. The less than attractive women will be blown to pieces. The disabled will be blown to pieces. The able men will be tortured with an inhumane genius, and then they will be blown to pieces.

All of this is not my will. It is the will of Hvovkin, Earthly Progenitor of All of Thor's Children, creator of the Jutland Peninsula. You now must return to me the Jutland Peninsula and the women of my choice for repopulating the Jutland Peninsula.

Hvovkin's will be done. I have it written down, in a notebook, sitting here at my desk. I will reproduce for you exactly the vision as I wrote it, after I awoke on that fateful night.

It would appear that my handwriting can play tricks on me in the middle of the night. The text now appears to say "What about the jelly jar? Show them the jelly jar." That is not what I thought I had written down. I don't remember anything about jelly jars at all.

I hereby apologize to the residents of the Jutland Peninsula and to anyone else on whom my warlike statements may have had an unsettling effect. Believe me, it was an honest mistake. Nevertheless, I still fully intend to win the lottery.

Tom Dark

(Applause)